Understanding your partner and why they are upset

Understanding your partner and why they are upset

Do you love your partner with all of your heart but often find yourself feeling frustrated with them? If so, there is no need to worry just yet. That is a very normal feeling. When you share space with someone so much, frustration is bound to happen. When you feel that he's ignoring you, do you find yourself asking the question "Why do I get so upset with him"?

It is extremely distressing to feel as if your words and actions have no impact (or no longer matter) to your partner or to think that someone whom you love deeply is no longer engaged fully in the relationship or interested in what's important to you can be extremely painful.

When you feel like your spouse/partner is not being responsive to you (and to your needs), two outcomes become likely:

1. Initially, you may "up the ante" in order to have some kind of impact on your spouse/partner-- this might involve yelling, becoming more provocative, elevating your emotional responses, acting in ways that are uncharacteristic for you (in attachment literature these types of reactions are called "protest" behaviors. Your protests are a reflection of losing something extremely important to you; this can be the love of your partner, the security of your relationship, or both).

Is it fair to say that at some point most of us would react negatively (protest) if we perceived our spouse/partner to be unavailable and unresponsive to our needs?

2. When you feel ignored for extended periods of time, your sense of despair can turn into feelings of hopelessness you give up on trying to engage your spouse/partner and begin to retreat (this is a self-protective behavior in essence, you're cutting your losses). This may take the form of indifference, withdrawal behaviors, and disengaging from the relationship in general (and the responsibilities that are a part of the relationship).

Typically a protest reaction isn't random. Protest behaviors (getting really upset when your partner isn't responding in predictable ways that make you feel secure in the relationship) occur in a particular context; and the triggering event is usually feeling anxious about losing the security of your relationship.

Let's break down this reaction:

An unresponsive/disengaged/uninterested partner triggers increased anxiety and worry in the other partner, who then attempts to reengage the unresponsive partner (for example, "We need to talk," or "What's wrong?")and if the other partner is still not responsive, protest behaviors are triggered.

Your protest behaviors (whether your protest behaviors are perceived as nagging, pestering, yelling, or some kind of increased emotionality like anger) are unconscious attempts to try and correct the problem. It's an attention-grabbing reaction that will let your spouse know that something is wrong that needs fixing.

Think of protest behaviors as an alarm sounding in an effort to grab your partner's attention to what needs to be addressed.

Marital/relationship problems can arise when these temporary reactions (feeling one's spouse/partner is unconcerned and unresponsive) are not addressed and become ingrained patterns.

I hope this sheds some light on why you seem to get so upset with your spouse (or why we all get upset with our spouse/partner at times). Whenever we allow a loved one special access to our hearts, feeling ignored by this person is going to feel like a major deal.

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Influence a man by understanding how he thinks

Influence a man by understanding how he thinks

1) If he says or does something you do not like…

Your Response: Address the bad behavior by stating, "That does not make me happy.”

Here's why: You may not believe this statement will make a difference. You may even believe that he will laugh or say he does not care. Well, that is a possible response, however; the trick is to outlast his bad behavior.
Remain distant until he approaches you. If he acts as if nothing is wrong simply reply, "I'm still upset about what you did/said." Do this, and I guarantee you will have his attention.

He will start to learn that whenever he is rude, inappropriate or behaves like a bully, you are not going to ignore his bad conduct. He will need to apologize and/or change his behavior, or you will continue to keep your distance.


2) If he says, “You look great!”…

Your Response: Say nothing. Look at him, and smile for 3 seconds.

Here's why: I bring up this specific issue because most women tend to minimize compliments. In many instances, a woman does not want to give the impression that she is conceited.

She wants to appear humble. If a man gives you something, even a quick compliment, he does not want you to trivialize it. He looks upon it as a form of turning him down. Remember, giving is a masculine characteristic, and receiving is a feminine quality. If a man gives you a form of praise, accept it gracefully, and enjoy it. A man would not compliment you if he were not sincere.


3) If he expresses doubts about your relationship…

Tell him- "O.K., I understand."

Here's why: It takes an extreme amount of courage to empathize with his reservations. Your fears may overwhelm you. Your instinct may be to cry, get angry, to argue or try to convince him that his doubts are unfounded and wrong. My advice is do not. Again, all you are to do is calmly say, “I understand.”

There is a significant reason why you should respond in this manner. Women who understand the secret to how men think know that if a man has expressed doubts about your relationship, he most likely no longer feels you are a mystery.

Memorize this phrase, "Men despise what comes easy, and crave what they can't get." This phrase applies to many things – including women.

In this situation, if you react to his doubts with the aforementioned pleasant and accommodating answer, he will start to feel as though maybe he does not understand you as well as he thought he did. Perhaps you are a mystery to him after all. Your seemingly impassive reaction will arouse his curiosity, and diminish his uncertainties.

The confident woman that men adore and never want to leave never begs or pleads with a man to stay with her. It takes bravery to maintain your dignity when you are afraid, but those women that have learned how to put their heart first unanimously say that the results are worth it.


ONE MORE…
4) What should you do if he shows Up thirty minutes (or more) late without a valid excuse? Note: Assuming he did not call to inform you that he would be late.

Your Response: When he finally does arrive, in a calm voice, tell him you are going to stay in for the evening. You can also remind him that he was supposed to arrive thirty minutes prior.

Here's why: You may believe this action to be petty or mean, but that is not the intention. When a man takes a woman for granted she should always create some distance.

Notice I mentioned that he was late, and he did not have a plausible reason for his tardiness. I am not talking about a man who is late because of circumstances beyond his control (i.e., his car would not start, traffic was rerouted due to an accident, etc.).

I am referring to an incident where a man is late, has no valid explanation for the delay, does not call to inform you he is running behind schedule, and acts indifferent about the episode. If you accept or excuse this type of behavior, you are actually training your man to treat you poorly in other areas of your relationship.

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Words that men love to hear

Words that men love to hear

When I ask women what they think the most powerful words they can say to a man would be, I’m usually given the replies, “I love you,” “You’re special” and “Yes, I’ll have sex with you.” While all of these statements are nice and sometimes very powerful, they won’t necessarily make him bond with you. The two words that cause nearly every man to feel closer to you are these:


“I’M LISTENING.”


Here's why these words have such an impact on his heart. Most women can multitask. They can listen easily even when they are focusing on something else. The problem for a man is that once he begins opening up, it feels really vulnerable.

He not only needs you to listen, but he also wants to feel like you're listening. He needs some sort of cue from you that what he's saying is important or that you're interested. Don't expect him to think like a woman and just "know" you're listening.

I want you to get credit when you pay attention to what he's saying. Rather than drop everything you are doing, all you need to do is remember the two magic words above and when to say them.

Here's what it looks like:
When he's talking, at some point he'll likely pause or just stop talking. He's not sure if you're paying attention. When you hear that pause, that is your chance to draw him closer to you. When he does pause, wait a second, and then look directly at him. In your softest most enchanting whisper say, "I'm listening."
He'll get goose bumps when he hears you say those words that will open his heart to you. Why?

Because it's unexpected. Because your soft whisper will penetrate his heart deeper than you spending an hour telling him how much you like him.

Because it will make him feel that you understand him. Don't expect him to tell you what I just described- just trust me on that. When you make a man feel this kind of connection, he doesn't want to talk about it...he wants to enjoy it.

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Missing your ex

Missing your ex



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What Can I Do To Get My Ex Boyfriend Back After A Breakup

By:

Are you obsessed with the thought "What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back"? Does this single problem seem to occupy all your waking moments but, at the same time, you feel as if all your attempts to heal the breach with your ex just pushes him further away?

Maybe you are trying too hard to get your ex back, or maybe you are simply not going about it the right way. Try the following tips to increase the odds of you making up with your ex boyfriend.

It is perfectly normal for you to feel more worried and anxious the longer the split from your ex boyfriend continues, but your feelings of anxiety and insecurity could be causing you to behave in ways that will cause your ex to resist your attempts to get him back. You can't help your feelings, they are only natural; what you can do is stop letting those feelings dictate the way you behave.

Think about what you have been doing since the breakup. Have you been calling your ex on any pretext, or pestering him with text messages or emails? Do you find yourself hanging around places in the hope he will see you and feel sorry for you? You need to stop letting your whole life revolve around the single thought "What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back".

Instead of spending all your energy in trying to get your ex boyfriend back to seeing you or even just taking your calls, you need to follow the following strategy.

You have been missing your ex boyfriend, now you need to find ways to make him miss you. First of all break off all contact with your ex; don't call him, email him, text him or send messages via his friends. Resist the temptation to try to get a glimpse of him; as far as possible disappear from your ex boyfriend's life.

During this time, you will need a great deal of self-discipline to keep from falling back into the habit of trying to get your ex boyfriend back. Don't spend this time sitting around at home feeling lonely and thinking about how much you miss your ex and need to get him back. Concentrate on yourself; don't lose sight of the fact that you are a good and valuable person. You need to fill your spare time with positive things that will make you feel better. Do things like visiting an old friend, or learning to meditate, or joining a dance class (exercise will make you feel better both physically and mentally).

The old saying is true: absence does make the heart grow fonder. Your absence will give your ex boyfriend the chance to miss you; instead of feeling as if you are stalking him, your ex will not know what you are doing or how you are feeling. Giving him breathing space means he can start to miss hearing your voice on the phone, sharing fun with you, and seeing the face he loved. He can start worrying that you might have found somebody new.

Author Resource:-> Give your ex boyfriend space to remember all the things he loved about you and he will be looking for ways to get you back; you can stop asking yourself "What can I do to get my ex-boyfriend back (http://InLoveAgain.info). Visit http://InLoveAgain.info (http://InLoveAgain.info) and watch the great free video.

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Looking for the perfect relationship?

Searching for Mr Right And the Perfect Relationship

By Carole Smith

For many contemporary women expectations that she should be married by the time she's in her mid-twenties would be scoffed at. Primarily because so many women are only just beginning to build their careers while others are doing what men did for years before them - they're playing the field and having fun

At somewhere around aged thirty-seven things begin to change if the woman is still single with not a hint of a decent man on the horizon. Strange things start to happen. For some a once distant ticking becomes a daily drum roll while others hear whispering voices getting a lot louder. Gone are the days of hearing the friendly, "when are you going to give us a day out" to "you'd better get a march on if you don't want to be left on your own." Fear begins to creep into her every pore followed by a fluttering panic and then a fever of sorts breaks out. Behaviour starts to change, sometimes it's focused, other times it's erratic, and then again, there are times when it's downright bizarre. Why? Because it's time to get serious and find the 'One.'

Some women who take up the mantra that 'it's now or never' will pull out all the stops to find a man so they can settle down quickly and start the process of becoming pregnant. You'll see her in bars and clubs scanning the room, smiling at everyone, and greeting each guy as she shimmies past. If by the end of the night, she hasn't been successful in finding a potential mate she'll strategically isolate an unsuspecting drunk guy who became separated from his friends. With luck, soon after they'll be meandering out together to find a taxi. "Maybe this time it will be right," she thinks fervently.

For the woman wanting a 'real' relationship, but with limited time and heavy work commitments she may try online dating. She pursues this new avenue with gusto and a military precision arranging multiple dates each week in her attempt to find 'Mr. Right.' After several weeks, she realises rather than meeting any potential Mr. Rights, she's meeting a whole lot of, 'Mr. I'm not really looking for a relationship just something casual.' Pretty soon she begins to feel like she's given countless interviews while conducting interviews of her own. Before long she's bone tired with the same old questions, 'so what do you work at...what do you do for your weekends...do you want to come back to mine after we leave here? Finally, she opts out disillusioned, immersing herself back in work - for a while at least until she's ready to try again.

There is the woman who through friendship or her social group knows a man who recently became single again. She'd never seen him as a potential partner before but she thinks, 'He's not my type...but maybe I should give it a chance.' They begin dating and while they have common interests, the longed for physical attraction isn't there. She grimaces when his hands caress her, she dreams of being elsewhere when they're intimate and all the while she reasons, "he's a good man, it's better than being alone."

And then there's my own experience some years back with the 'dating agency.' I met with the representative, a nice older lady, who had a long chat with me about my interests, and the type of man I thought would fit into my life. I liked her and so I paid over the fee that would guarantee me a minimum number of dates in the following year. After the first few dates, I began to feel a bit ticked off and wondered, 'Did she hear me at our meeting?' I had described my 'ideal' man (ok, we all have one!). However, each of my dates turned out to be about as polar opposite as one could get from the quirky humorous type of guy -- in a similar age bracket - that I had hoped to meet. I decided to confront the nice agency lady suggesting she might have misheard me when I described my ideal date. "Look dear," she said, "all the best men are married." Gobsmacked as I was then, to this day, I still don't know why she didn't just say what she meant. 'Look Dear, you're single, sure are you not happy enough getting out on a few dates.'

Finding the right person to love and be loved by isn't easy, yet even after failure we continue our search for the perfect relationship. But does it make sense when we know of the growing numbers of people living solo across Europe, the States and even in Ireland? Perhaps we ought to just accept our single status and get on with life. However we also know human beings are social animals, liking the company of others; there are even statistics to prove that we thrive better when we have people around. Isn't that why correctional institutions use isolation as punishment?

Maybe the answer as to why we continue in pursuit of a good relationship is simple. For one, you get to share your electricity and heating bills, you can debate 'til you're both blue in the face about a movie and joy of joys you don't have to pay single room supplements anymore. That aside and being a little more serious, much more than that is being able to share your innermost thoughts, fears, and hopes with someone who knows you well, who has your back, who cares about your welfare. Best of all is instead of the world revolving around just you, having a special someone in your life means there is someone else to look out for.

Now don't imagine even for a moment that singletons are anyway delusional. They are fully aware relationships are not always what they're cracked up to be. They've seen the couples who bicker and fight constantly, and know some who feel just as lonely in their relationship as they might in their solo living. But they will also know couples who make relationships look easy. They hear them laugh, see how they care for one another, and when the going gets tough, as it does even for them, they look on enviously at how they face whatever it is together. For those reasons, singletons will forever hold onto to the optimistic hope that someday they too will find their Mr. Right and the perfect relationship.

Carole Smith is a relationship counsellor, Life Coach and NLP practitioner. She also hosts seminars and workshops and has presented to women's groups, adult-education classes, and corporate organisations.
http://www.typedynamics.ie/

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What is a real relationship

Find My True Love - Getting That Real Relationship

By Tina L. Jones

Have you had enough of dating to no avail and you simply want to find your true love? Are the nights of clubbing all night wearing you out and you want to settle down with a man who'll be your true love? Do you need a few tips to get you to your true love fast?

When we set out to date just for the fun of dating, everything seems so easy. Plenty of guys are out there looking to have fun and we're more than prepared to offer up a whole night of fun. However, when we finally decide to chuck all that aside and try to meet the man who'll be our true love, we don't know where to begin.

Read on to see how you can leave the dating scene and meet a man you can love for life.

A Change in Wardrobe

It's no secret. When a woman steps out with the hopes of landing a guy she can spend a few hot nights with, she dresses in a way that advertises that fact. Little is given up to chance, so low cut shirts and mini short skirts are the order of the day. We want to be seen and we want to catch the eye of every guy in the joint.

But when we make the shift from fun dating to a serious search for our true love, we forget to make that shift in our appearance, and we continue to strut our stuff in a way that isn't conducive to finding a really good man.

While men enjoy looking at hot and sexy women, there still remains a hint of concern with regards to taking these women seriously. Maintain a presentable level of sensuality, no more.

The Personality Takes It

Where overt sexuality and flashy looks work wonders on the frivolous dating front, it's your personality that has to shine when you want to find true love. He wants to talk to you, get to know you and give you a good idea of who he is.

Be as genuine as you can be and simply do all you can to have a good time with him. Ultimately you want a strong sense of comfort, trust and respect to grow between you. Let your fun personality build that bond.

High Expectations

Even as little girls, we picture our vision of our Prince Charming. He should be of such height, such weight, such coloring, such wealth. When we set out to find our true love, we cling to that vision, blindly refusing to settle for anything less.

Unfortunately, in our quest to meet the man we believe to be perfect, we actually allow a great number of men to pass right under our nose. Why? Because he's not as tall as we'd hope. He's a little heavier than we wanted. His hair is dark and coarse when you'd always dreamed of sandy curls.

Be realistic as you write out your Prince Charming list of characteristics. You may come to find that your true love is kind, generous and loving rather than tall, dark and handsome.

Want to learn more? Go to: 77 Secrets of Love and learn how to make him fall in love with you hopelessly.

Get Your FREE Report When You Visit Today:* Love Triggers Revealed *

This article is contributed by Tina Jones from the Unforgettable Woman Publishing Team. She works together with founder Alexandra Fox and writes dating/relationship articles for women. You can find more about Unforgettable Woman Publishing by visiting their website.

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Does a relationship need space

Does a relationship need space?'









In A Relationship, Do You Need Your Space? by Susan Kramper

Just how much space in a relationship is important? The solution hinges a great deal on the kind of relationship it is, and each person in it. Some folks do better whenever they re together regularly, and other people yearn for more of their personal space in a relationship.



The tough aspect is identifying a middle ground that both individuals are comfortable with. That is made even more challenging if you each have considerably varied viewpoints regarding togetherness as well as space. However so long as you can meet halfway on the level of space in a relationship that you each require, at that point you can answer this obstacle.



Many people don t prefer to be alone. They re a lot happier enjoying all their time with coworkers, buddies, loved ones and their partner. Whenever they re alone and undertaking activities on their own they appear a little lost and lonesome.



Many other individuals treasure their alone time. In the absence of a little peace and quiet regularly they feel overwhelmed and have a difficult time unwinding. They feel that they constantly need to be up or on with respect to other folks when they re around them, and it may possibly be exhausting.



These are two extremes, obviously. There are additionally a whole lot of individuals who gravitate someplace in the middle. They treasure the moment they spend with their loved one, however they in addition desire some me-time to balance it out and re-energize.



If either of you come under that middle ground, then determining your space in a relationship ought to be quite effortless. Also in case you each fall into the identical extreme group, in which you both equally are in need of lots of space and you both shun being alone, things are eased, also.



The complications come as soon as one has a considerably diverse idea than the other. If you enjoy your privacy and your mate hates being alone, you truly must converse and set up some boundaries. Each has to appreciate the other s perspective so you can develop a happy medium that makes you both feel your desires are fulfilled.



If you enjoy being alone daily for a while and your significant other yearns for company AROUND-THE-CLOCK, here s the issue. Once you say you require space in a relationship and go off by yourself, your partner will definitely feel overlooked presumably you don t wish to be near because of them.



And also if you dislike being alone and your sweetheart truly needs some me-time, then by hanging around continuously you can begin to make your other half feel smothered. Your partner might just even consider that there s no trust there, and you won t provide him or her private time considering you re scared of what they may do when you re not there.



You can easily see just how either of these circumstances could rapidly cause complications in a relationship. But if you speak with one another truthfully and candidly concerning how you feel, then whenever you require time your significant other will comprehend the reason.



And whenever he or she spends time when you 'd rather be alone, you understand that he or she doesn't desire the same type of space in a relationship that you do.



Amanda Scott is an expert when it comes to Relationships. To find out everything about Relationships, visit her website at http://www.attractlove.org/.



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