Starting over in a relationship inspiration

Starting over in a relationship inspiration

Starting a New Relationship – A Way Ahead

Author: Derek

Starting a new relationship is a real challenge. There are things you may want or tend to holds on to that have happened in past relationships, making it hard to consider moving onto a new relationship. There are things you can do to help push the past where it belongs, in the past, and move towards a new relationship, but a little relationship advice can be helpful.

Firstly when starting a new relationship it is important to settle the past. This can be done in different ways, depending on your confidence and preference. You might find it helpful to talk to a therapist, or you might just need to get rid of "stuff" from previous relationships.

No matter what it is that works for you, the most important part of this process is for you to understand what happened in the past and be prepared to let it go before you start looking for a new relationship. It is unhelpful to you and any other person for you to have emotional baggage when going into a new relationship; it just sets you up for probable failure later on in the relationship.

Secondly realise and accept that you and only you are making the choice to get into a new relationship. No-one should ever be allowed to force you into a relationship before you are ready. Their intentions may be good, but it is not a good idea to start a new relationship unless you have made the decision yourself to do so and feel motivated and energised towards a new situation. Relationship advice is often less helpful when you have only been out of your relationship a short time as your emotions may be soft and impressionable. You will know when you are ready to start a new chapter in your life and then the choice will be yours and yours alone.

The next step is accepting that there really are great people everywhere, people who will help you achieve your needs. Your last relationship may have been with someone you thought was "great," but it is important to leave that in the past and focus on the fact that there are fantastic people waiting to meet you. Always have your expectations and desires for your new relationship clear in your mind, and go to places where you feel you can be yourself and look for the person who will become your new relationship.

When you find someone you may want to get into a new relationship with, pay attention to his/her overall behaviour. Are they easy going, is their life full of drama, are they attentive, forgetful, do they relate to your needs and opinions, can you talk easily with them and they with you. Don't forget everyone's behaviour at the beginning of a relationship is far better than once it is established. So base your judgements on the quality and depth of their conversation as well as whether they make you feel comfortable and good about yourself.

It is always useful to consider how they fit in with your friends and family. When they meet are they comfortable around them, and are you comfortable around their friends and family.

The most important message for you when deciding whether a new relationship is for you is to listen to your instinct, what does your ‘belly' say, and what does your ‘self doubter' say.

1. If both are positive then go for it. These are never wrong. As much as people want to dismiss it, your instinct never fails.
2. If you feeling a new relationship is right, then it probably is the right thing for you at that point in your life. If you feel something is uncertain then something is missing.
3. It really will not always be that simple, nothing in life ever is, however it is important to know what you are feeling and take it from there.



Forming a new relationship must be something you control from your decision to seek one until you decide to let one happen and progress. Not all new relationships need be for life, decide what you want and take your time.

The time spent enjoying the journey can result in you having the Time of Your Life

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/starting-a-new-relationship-a-way-ahead-4811837.html

About the Author

Derek Butcher, Coach, trainer, advisor to industry and individuals, head of timechampions

Visit: http://www.timechampions.com/anewrelationship?

Contact: timechampions@aol.com

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Winning at love- Encourage each other's dreams

Winning at love- Encourage each other's dreams

Winning at love really isn't that difficult. Your mate probably has some personal dreams that they would like to fulfill. Some type of accomplishments that they would like to make. Maybe they would like to start their own business or learn to fly an airplane etc. Maybe you would like to do the same.

Some openly discourage their partner's ideas because they feel that they are impractical. ("We can't afford it, what do you know about flying airplanes anyway etc?") But such comments often have the reverse effect. Challenging your mate often prompts them to come up with more reasons why the idea could work. More importantly, if your partner regards you as unsupportive, they will distance themself from you emotionally and probably spend more time fantasizing about the dream and proving you wrong.

Discouragement is often a clue that the idea is scary, not necessarily impractical. Your partner might be scared because your dreams clash with their expectations of your life together. Some people feel threatened by a mate's dreams and goals. You may feel that their dreams suggest that they need more from their life than they are currently getting- something that you may translate as "I'm not good enough for them."

It's important to remember that a lot of people fantasize more than they act on their fantasies. Most of the time, your partner just wants to dream aloud, not engage in a serious discussion of the idea. Encouraging each other's dreams or simply agreeing, "that does sound exciting or interesting" does no harm and helps bring you closer. It shows you are interested in what they have to say. Again, this is one of the situations whereas you need to pick your battles. Whether or not dreams get acted upon is less important than how close you feel to one another by hearing each other's dreams.

One factor that can really damage relationships occurs when one partner believes that the other one is holding them back from achieving their dreams. This is another good reason to be supportive and encourage each other's dreams. If they don't materialize (which half of the times, they don't) you wont be blamed.

Did you know that women are much more likely than men to give up on personal dreams that do not involve the relationship. While this might be called self-sacrificing, it is often done as women have more pressure on them not to be "selfish.". Husbands need to be aware of this and encourage wives to seek some kind of dream fulfillment even if it takes time from the home or the relationship.

Honoring and encouraging each other's dreams is an ultimate way to say, "I love you."

Winning at love is not hard. It just takes knowledge :-)
Men are actually very easy instruments. You just need to know how to play the instrument.

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Are you and your partner friends

Are you and your partner friends?

Friendship is in many ways the foundation of a marriage or relationship. Happy couples realize that. Less happy couples usually forget that little aspect. Your partner should be your best friend.

Sometimes in relationships and marriages, we focus a lot on the mix of passion, intimacy and commitment. We often forget one of the most important aspects of a relationship- Friendship. Usually the friendship aspect of one's relationship or marriage gets buried over time, under the burdens and responsibilities of life, work and family. When asked if they feel like they are their partners friend, the average person would say yes. It's a complicated question though. You might come to realize that they don't always treat one another as they would their same-sex friends. They think of having a night out "with friends" as somehow different from a night out "with their partner". Some couples assume that they must be friends simply because most of the time they act friendly toward each other and they don't think of each other as the enemie. But friendship is more than friendliness. Friendship is the foundation of a relationship. Happy couples know that that you need to nurture one another and most of all, be friends.

Nuturing happens in a lot of ways. How you talk to each other and hear each other out; how you inspire one another to reach their dreams; how you care about each other's needs at least as much as you care about your own. Happy couples are good friends and friends nurture one another.

What does it mean to you when you are asked if you are your partner's friend?
Think of someone other than your partner whom you consider to be your best friend. What is the difference between that friendship and your marriage relationship? Friends talk about their personal lives; so do married partners. Friends have fun together; (hopefully) so do married couples. Friends think about each other when they are not together; married partners do the same. Friends standy by you, so does your partner. Fundamentally there are two ways that a marriage is different from a friendship. You have a greater level of obligation and commitment to your partner than to your best friends. You also have the intimacy portion of the relationship with your partner that you don't have with your best friends.

The typical man approaches friendship with his wife a little differently than she approaches friendship with him. If you ask a man about his male friendships and what makes them important, he will talk about what he and his friends do together and the interests that they share. They may talk about their problems also with one another but never in deep detail really.

The typical woman will tell you that conversations forms the primary basis of intimacy in her friendships. By communicating this to her friends, it makes her feel understood. If a man has a problem and doesn't want to discuss it, his male friends "understand" that. Ironically, this makes him feel understood. He feels closer to his friends by not sharing whereas a woman feels closer to her friends when she does share and confide.

What does this mean for marriages? It means that, generally speaking, the basis for friendship in a marriage or relationship depends on the couple doing more together (male preference) and talking more together (female preference)


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Are you happy in your marriage

Are you happy in your marriage?

As the divorce rate seems to continue to rise, it makes me wonder how many people are really happy in their marriages.

One of the best studies of marital happiness reported that about 60 percent of the respondents rated their marriage as "very happy". Yet of that same group, only 66 percent reported that their spouse respected their opinion. Only 64 percent of them said that their spouse made them feel important. Only 51 percent of them felt that their spouse was romantic. When you add to these numbers the fact that almost 35 percent of couples rated their marriage as just "pretty happy", and that 37 percent of all woman polled admitted there was a time when they were prepared to leave their husband, it becomes obvious that in the typical marriage, genuine happiness seems almost subdued. It's almost like we are programmed to say that.

Is subdued marital happiness such a big deal? Absolutely! Dozens of studies have concluded that the best predictor of overall happiness in life is marital happiness. A happy marriage predicts overall happiness better than job satisfaction, family life, friendships, finances or good health. Happily married people live longer, have better adjusted children and are healthier both mentally and physically.

Do people strive and hope for more happiness in their marriage? Are you really happy in your marriage? Most couples report regular efforts to sustain and improve happiness in their own marriage.

In another survey, couples were asked "If you had to do it all over again, would you marry the same person?" 88 percent said "yes," But astoundingly, 26 percent of those that voted "mostly dissatisfied" in their marriage also answered "yes" as did 23 percent of those that voted "completely dissatisfied." It is unclear why, but many people don't want to give up when it comes to their marriage- even if the marriage is making them unhappy.

Does our level of marital happiness predict who will eventually divorce? Not quite. It appears that most couples who are the most happy are very unlikely to divorce, but many unhappy couples do remain together. Improving marital happiness is a total benefit to you and your partner and everyone around you.

Again, I am going to ask "Are you happy in your marriage?"

Here are a few simple questions that you could ask yourself to help answer that question. Your answer needs to be one of these 3- Mostly true, Sometimes true, Mostly False

* Do I admire my partner?
* When we are apart, do I think fondly of my partner and miss them?
* Do arguments with my partner tend to escalate with no satisfying resolution?
* Do one of us have a problem with addiction (such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography?
* If my partner does or says something that I don't like, do I view them as having a serious flaw?
* Does my partner frequently say or do mean or hurtful things?
* Do we have at least 20 minutes a day of quality "couple" time?
* Do things have to go my partner's way most of the time?
* Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship?
* Can each of us admit when we are wrong?
* Do I fantasize about leaving my partner for someone else?
* Do we show affection regularly?

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Worst relationship mistake

Worst relationship mistake

Always remember that your partner can't read your mind. I think that one of the worst relationship's mistakes is that we assume that our partner can read our mind. We expect them to do that and that's not fair.

There are several good reasons why it is so important to recognize this problem and to nip it in the bud. First off, it creates a great deal of grief and inner damage for yourself. You carry around a ton of frustration that has little, if anything, to do with you. You are mad, frustrated, bothered about something. You are the only one who knows about it. If that isn't self-induced stress, what is?

Moreover, it's not really fair to your partner. Here you are steaming mad about something, and you don't even give your partner the courtesy of telling them what is bugging you . You are probably coming across as really irritated, but they don't even know what it is really all about. You are demanding that they read your mind. What chance do they have? How can they explain themself, much less do anything about it?

When something is bothering you, it's usually best to let your partner know about it. Pick a time when neither of you are in defensive moods. (I talked about moods in a previous post- Here is the link back to that post). Bring up the issue gently and respectfully and see what happens. In most cases, it seems logical that your chances of a favorable outcome are far better than if you rely on your partner reading your mind. Avoid the self-destructive thought that your partner knows what you need. We all know what the word "assume" does- It makes an ass out of you and me

PS:: To the ladies reading this, please always realize that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We over analyze ladies and men are clueless to that

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Feeling emotional abandonment in relationship

Feeling emotional abandonment in relationship

What is Emotional Abandonment?

Author: Darlene Lancer, MFT

Many people don't realize that they're feeling emotionally abandoned or that they did as a child. They may be unhappy, but can't put their finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness is often felt as an emotional abandonment. However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside you – when you can't connect and your emotional needs aren't being met in the relationship.

Emotional Needs

Often people aren't aware of their emotional needs and just feel that something's missing. But people have many emotional needs in intimate relationships. They include the following needs:

• To be listened to and understood.
• To be nurtured
• To be appreciated
• To be valued
• To be accepted
• For affection
• For love
• For companionship

Consequently, if there is high conflict, abuse, or infidelity, these emotional needs go unmet. Sometimes, infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship – by one or both partners. Additionally, if one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict's attention, preventing him or her from being present.

Causes of Emotional Abandonment

Yet even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days, and even moments of emotional abandonment that may be intentional or unconscious. They can be caused by:

• Intentionally withholding communication or affection
• External stressors, including the demands of parenting
• Illness
• Conflicting work schedules
• Lack of mutual interests and time spent together
• Preoccupation and self-centeredness
• Lack of healthy communication
• Unresolved resentment
• Fear of intimacy

When couples don't share common interests or work/sleep schedules, one or both may feel abandoned. You have to make an extra effort to spend time talking about your experiences and intimate feelings with each other to keep the relationship fresh and alive.

More harmful are unhealthy communication patterns that may have developed, where one or both partners doesn't share openly, listen with respect, and respond with interest to the other. If you feel ignored or that your partner doesn't understand or care about what you're communicating, then there's a chance that eventually you may stop talking to him or her. Walls begin to build and you find yourself living separate lives emotionally. One sign may be that you talk more to your friends than to your partner or are disinterested in sex or spending time together.

Resentments easily develop in relationships when your feelings, especially hurt or anger, aren't expressed. When they go underground, you may either pull away emotionally or push your partner away with criticism or undermining comments. If you have expectations that you don't communicate, but instead believe your partner should be able to guess or intuit them, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.

When or your partner fear intimacy, you may pull away, put up walls, or push one another away. Usually, this fear isn't conscious. In counseling, couples are able to talk about their ambivalence, which allows them to get closer. Often abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One person may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking too much. Either way, it may leave the other person feeling alone and abandoned. Fears of intimacy usually stem from emotional abandonment in childhood.

In Childhood

Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally for her baby. It's often because she's replicating her childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress. It's important for a baby's emotional development that the mother attune to her child's feelings and needs and reflect them back. She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her child's success or upsetting emotions. He or she then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true – where a parent gives a child a lot of attention, but isn't attuned to what the child actually needs. The child's needs hence go unmet, which is a form of abandonment.

Abandonment happens later, too, when they're criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn't take much for a child to feel hurt and "abandoned." Abandonment can occur when a parent confides in his or her child or expects a child to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those times, the child must suppress his or her feelings and needs in order to meet the needs of the adult.

A few incidents of emotional abandonment don't harm a child's healthy development, but when they're common occurrences, they reflect deficits in the parent, which affect the child's sense of self and security that often lead to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships.

Couples counseling can bring couples together to enjoy more closeness, heal from abandonment, and change their behavior.

© Darlene Lancer, 2012

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/what-is-emotional-abandonment-6016787.html

About the Author

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Codependency for Dummies. She has a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for over twenty-five years. Her focus is on helping individuals overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives, and helping couples enhance their communication, intimacy, and passion. She is a speaker, freelance writer, and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA. For more information and a free ebook, "How to Be Assertive," see http://www.darlenelancer.com. You can also follow her on Facebook.

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Unconditional love in a relationship

Unconditional love in a relationship

Unconditional love in a relationship is the ultimate expression of love. It says, "I love you because you are you and you don't have to be different to receive and secure my love". There are no conditions attached to the love. You don't have to lose weight, make a certain amount of money, share all my goals or agree with everything that I say. Unconditional love means that you love someone when they are insecure or depressed or when they make mistakes. They don't have to be perfect. They have to respect you but they don't have to be perfect.

Other than our own children, there are probably few of us that can truly say we will ever love someone unconditionally. Whether we realize it or not, we usually place certain conditions on our love and have a number of expectations. For example- you must behave in certain ways to secure my love, you must be faithful, you must put me first above everyone and everything else, you must not express fondness towards the opposite sex, you must prioritize my goals etc).

Perfection is impossible. Believe me, I have tried (said with a giggle). It is OK to have expectations in relationships but you must also realize certain limitations to really experience unconditional love in a relationship.

Don't be too judgmental or behave in unkind ways. Treat your partner the way you expect to be treated. We can strive to become less demanding and replace those tendencies with gratitude and softness. Become better listeners. Be more forgiving. Act more loving. Expect that your partner is not always going to be in a good mood or not always going to do things to our liking.

There are so many things that you can do to promote unconditional love in a relationship. Start by asking your partner what changes he or she would like to see in you and vice versa. Read books or online blogs about making positive changes in your relationship. There's a million different things that you can do. Make it a personal challenge.

In most cases, you can be sure that whatever efforts that you make in order to become a more unconditionally loving partner, you will see results in the quality of your relationship. If you don't, maybe you need to really rethink that relationship.

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