Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Making time for intimacy and why it is vital to your relationship

Making time for intimacy in a relationship is crucial. Crucial ladies--CRUCIAL :-). If you are like many women, you place intimacy at the bottom of your to-do list (and yes- when I say intimacy- I am talking about sex). Review your priorities if you really want a truly, good relationship. It is important. Make time for it with your partner.

The trouble with us women is that we feel that we are expected to be super woman and we pride ourselves on doing it all. We can hold down a full-time job than come home and do housework, cook, clean, raise children, be "soccer mom", president of the PTA etc- You get my point. Bottom line is that we find it hard to relax and enjoy life because we are trying to make everything else perfect. Even when we do have some down time, we still focus on chores basically such as mental to do lists YUCK!!

Most women are not quite sure where intimacy fits into all this because by the time you do hit the bed, you only want to do one thing SLEEP!! When we live this type of lifestyle, what happens to us? We feel tired all the time, we are moody, we gain weight and last but definately not least- We lose sex drive. What do we need to do to solve this problem? We practice the three D's. What are they? Delegate, decrease and disengage. Now I know that you are probably thinking "what in the heck is this crazy broad talking about"? OK- so let's talk about each

Delegate: All of our "to do" lists are enough to drive us and our partner absolutely nuts and no, you are not doing anyone any favors by trying to be super woman and doing it all. When we try to do it all, what does it do? It deprives our children of a relaxed mother, our partners from spending quality time with us, our co-workers from a calm co-worker and most of all, you are depriving yourself. You are depriving yourself from a life of energy, liveliness and rest. I always say "Don't take life too seriously- nobody gets out alive anyhow" :-). What do you need to do? Prioritize your tasks. If you have a to do list that has more than 5 items on it, it is time to rethink. You are only one person and honestly, you probably put more expectations on yourself than others do. How did I learn this? By living it!! By getting myself to the point that I was so rundown and tired that I was probably miserable to be around because I was so miserable all the time. It is OK to say "No" ladies and it is OK to ask someone else to do it. You are not being fair to yourself if you are running yourself down like this. Delegating might involve a monthly cleaning service. Housekeeping services are quite affordable, so let go of the reins and hand over the mop. Meanwhile, you will have gained an hour of rest. I have some girlfriends that tell me that they simply can't afford to do this. Yet, these same girlfriends are going out to get manicures and pedicures at the nail salon twice a month. Think about it- How much does that cost? I know when I get mine done, it is like $50 dollars for a mani/pedi. If you go twice a month, that's $100.00. I feel like telling them to do their own mani/pedi's and use that money a bit more wisely so you can spend QUALITY time with your partner and/or children. This will increase your mood and your libido. Technology is the way of the world today. USE IT!! It makes your life easier. Order your groceries, birthday presents, household items etc online. Most companies nowadays offer free shipping. If you have children that are old enough to pick up after themselves, MAKE THEM DO IT!!. You all live in the same household and you are not teaching your children the right way if you are doing everything for them. You are not their friend- You are their parent! It is your job to guide them to be responsible, caring, respectful adults. They will respect you for teaching them responsibility later in life.

The second D- Decrease!! Decrease and Simplify
How do you decrease? Take a deep breath and let go of perfection. No, you are not perfect, nobody is and nobody should expect you to be. Okay, so you went to bed to spend some quality time with your partner and their are still dirty dishes in the sink!! Who cares? The world wont come to an end because you have dirty dishes in the sink or some pet hair on the furniture that you didn't vacuum or some toys from your toddler that you didn't pick up!! Guess what? They will wait for you and the lack of chores for one night will add so much energy to your relationship and your own well being. Even when you clean all that up, guess what?? The same mess occurs tomorrow. It is like a never ending episode of groundhog day :-) Not trying to be harsh ladies- just honest. Life is meant to enjoy. You only live once and you are not coming back so enjoy your time here on earth. It is safe (I promise you) to go to sleep at night with a crumb on the kitchen table or not sweeping up every floor in the house or doing every dish.

Make your life easier wherever possible. From dishwashers to prepackaged meals to self-cleaning ovens and shower gadgets, there are a large number of products that will save you time and energy. Time for the important stuff in life matters. Some of these items may be costly but worth it in the end. If you are out there working a full time job, you deserve to spend a little bit of that money into your sanity.

Again, learn to say "NO". it's OK. Set up boundaries to protect your own emotional health, your relationship, your time with your family and overall, your physical health. Cut back on your number of committments- IT'S OK!! Don't agree to host every family function or holiday party at your house. Most people will respect that decision. If they don't, they aren't true to you anyhow. I know that it is nice to feel needed but trim down your obligations and save your energy for those that you truly ENJOY doing. The same goes for you children's activities. Save your and their energy for the ones that they truly can't live without or give up. Use that time wisely. For example, my 13 year old daughter lives and breathe dance!! She has been dancing since she was 3. She is in competitive dance which requires her to attend dance classes 2 evenings a week and saturday mornings. When she was smaller, I went to her dance classes and sat with her the whole time (of course, she only danced one night a week back than) but now, I go to some and watch but not all. I watch the mothers there who will sit the whole evening and watch every practice. They look so worn out. Her dance class is only like 10 minutes from the house so I wont lie, there are times when either my husband or I take her to dance, drop her off, come home and have intimate time for her dance class period and go back and pick her up when dance class is over. Do I feel bad for sharing intimate moments with my husband instead of watching her every dance class?? Do I feel guilty because I don't sit there for every waking minute of her classes? HELL NO!! We are there for every competition, every recital, some dance classes and heck, we pay for it all and support her in every aspect emotionally for her passion. Do I cherish those moments with my husband while she is at dance and we can just be as loud as we want, as silly as we want and not have to worry about being heard during intimate moments?? YESSS!! Does it bother her that I am not at every dance class? No! I just tell her that Mom is going to run home and do some housework while she's dancing- She doesn't care. She's like "Love ya mom- see ya in a bit" She's not focused on us at dance. She's focused on what she should be focused on at that time DANCE!! Point of this is that you probably put more expectations on yourself than others really do. Yes, my hubby and I sometimes have to plan our intimate moments (some are spontaneous but alot are planned) but you know what, it is still good because we look forward to it. When we know we have a "planned" evening, I text him while I'm at work and I will ask him "so do you prefer the pink underwear or black ones" "What color are you in the mood for" or just some silly random question focusing only on our "planned intimacy time" He gets the biggest kick out of that and it builds anticipation. Little things count!!

OK - so now I'm rambling- LOL See, I should be doing something else right now like cleaning the house etc but I enjoy writing and chatting so I choose that instead. Yes, I have dirty dishes in my sink right now!! and I will load them into the dishwasher as soon as I am done talking about the third "D"

What is the third "D"?? Disengage
Disengage and reconnect with you. Have you ever booked a massage then spent the time worrying about everything else that you should be doing and felt guilty about the time you were taking for yourself? Or maybe you desperately crave to just sleep but you can't because you aren't able to turn your mind off? For many of us females, a lack of time isn't the only issue- We simply find it hard to relax even when we do have some "me time". We are always seeking perfection (whether it is in our looks, our families, our careers etc). Mentally, we want to relax but only after everything else in our lives are perfect. If you feel this way, STOP!!! It's never, ever going to be perfect so stop putting that pressure on yourself. Have you ever thought to yourself "Well, I will spend more time on my marriage when the kids are in college or I will devote myself to my own needs once my finances are more settleed. I will get into shape when the children go to school. Oh my, the list can be endless. What are you really waiting for?? What personal happiness or fulfilment are you delaying because you are seeking perfection?? Ladies- It's never going to happen so accept that reality. NOW is the best time to seek your own happiness. What does that mean? It means stop living for the future and live for today. It means you don't need to be thinner and more toned to have a fantastic imtimacy with your partner. Don't delay your happiness until some non-existent event finds you. Focus on the present and enjoy your time and your life now (Don't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow may never come)

OK ladies- I'm done for tonight. Have a great evening

If you enjoyed reading this- Check out my fighting fair in relationships post
Here is the link

LOL- No relationship is perfect but a good one takes work and compromise

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