Suspecting and forgiving adultery
Believe it or not, adultery is a forgiveable sin. The couples who can make it over this hurdle in a relationship can develop the strongest relationship imaginable.
The reason on 35 percent of couples who experience adultery stay together is because the other 65 percent don't know how, not because it can't be done.
Keep in mind that adultery is a symptom of an existing problem in your relationship, not the problem itself. You have to get to the real underlying problem as opposed to focusing solely on the affair. This is where most couples go wrong. Don't get stuck in the blame game. Nobody wins.
If you confess to an affair or get caught and have to face the situation head on, here are some tips to help.
* Your motive for confessing should be a genuine desire to improve your relationship, not to ease your own guilt, vent anger or to get back at your partner.
* Be sensitive to the timing. Consider your partner's energy level, mood and crisis they are already dealing with. If you're afraid to tell or keep putting it off, consider meeting with a therapist first.
* Reassure your partner of your love. Recall special times together with them as a family.
* Use the fair fighting techniques, including making appointments for time limited fights.
* Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. Be open to your partner's reactions- listening to and validating any feelings of abandonmnet and betrayal without anger or blame.
* Tell the truth about whether or not you plan to end the affair. If you want to make your marriage work, you must end the affair completely. Cut all ties.
* Be willing to answer any questions about your lover but don't give too many details. If you don't answer those questions, your partner will dwell on them and imagine the worst. The less you tell, the more they dwell.
Things to share with your partner
*If you still love them
*If you love your lover or ex lover
*If you want to stay together
*Who your lover was/is
*How long has this been going on, when and where
*Who else knows about the affair
*Do not defend your lover. Make it safe for your partner to express anger and don't get angry back
*Do no expect immediate forgiveness, no matter how much you apologize or show remorse. Your partner may be in shock or overcome with pain and it's normal to expect tears, rage and recriminations
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